Why Do You Always Bathe - A Poem

[With full apologies to David Allen Coe … and Steve Goodman ... for ruining the perfect country and western song]

Well it is all that I can do to keep from barking.
I know that it’s useless to complain.
This is something I will keep enduring, I guess.
Why do you always bathe me when it rains?

I don’t have to be as cute as Benji.
And I don’t have to be fed like Marmaduke.
I don’t have to charm folks like Snoopy, don’t you know.
But this constant cleanliness will make me puke!

And the smell of shampoo always makes me antsy.
Yes I love to stomp in water like a crane.
Why do bipeds always make me, so clean.
Why do you always bathe me when it rains?

Well I rolled in mud today under our deck. (Oh no! No Beau! Oh Beau!)
And I get mud in my ears when I play.
But the only time I know I’ll hear “He’s a good Beau!”
Is when you have scrubbed all of my fur away!

And I have a fear of towels that you don’t see.
Yes I love to hear you open up the drain.
Don’t you see the fun in being muddy?
Why do you always bathe me when it rains?

(Well a biped I know named The Late Steve Goodman wrote that song, and he told me it was the perfect beagle and western song. I barked him back and I told him it was not the perfect beagle and western song because he hadn’t said anything about squirrels, jerky treats, bipeds, pig ears, popcorn, barking, or belly rubs. Well he rose from the grave to write another verse and sent it to me, and after reading it, I realized I can’t read. But he went to so much trouble to resurrect himself that I felt obliged to include it. The last verse goes like this here.)

Well I barked at a squirrel who stole my pig ear.
So my biped calmed me with a belly rub.
But before I could get some popcorn or a jerky treat,
She threw me in a filled up soapy tub!

And I’ll put up with this while you still treat me.
Yes this time always gives me such a strain.
Why do you clean me daily, gaily?
Why do you always bathe me,
I wonder why you must bathe me,
Why do you always bathe me when it rains?