Guard That Big Ol Backyard - A Poem

[Based on "Play That Funky Music". I would apologize to Wild Cherry, but I just can't bring myself to do it. This and others are archived at http://www.laughingviking.com/ ]

Once I was a little hound dog
Running round a big ol’ back yard.
Then I heard a quiet hissing
That left me feeling oh so jarred.

Punks were all around me
Doing things that looked like no good.
How could we have these problems
Here in our quiet, nice neighborhood?

Yeah they were laughin’, and sneakin’,
And causing all this damage.
And just then, it hit me:
Make them need a bandage

I heard:
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid hoodlums out!
Guard that big ol’ back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry.

Now try to understand this,
I thought that they were out of their minds.
How could they be so foolish
To not see I was stalking behind?

And so I tore some Levi’s,
Defending home in every way.
I barked, “You have to leave here!
Or I’ll chew you ‘till the break of day!”

Cause they were breakin’, and bendin’,
And acting so dim-witted.
That’s why I attacked them,
And their clothes got rough-slitted.

I thought:
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Chase those stupid vandals out!
Get them out the back yard, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Till they cry; or they die! Gonna eat some electrofied funky trousers!

At first I was so nervous,
Scaring bored teenagers at night.
But once they got all shaky,
I could give them some well-deserved fright.

But now it’s so much better (so much better)
I chase them out with all of my might.
I hope I never lose that taste for (hope I don’t)
Giving stupid kids well-earned frights.

When they are hurting, and harming,
And causing all this trouble.
I sneak up, open wide,
And bite them on the bubble.

Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bark and get them out of your yard!
Chase away those hoodlums, hound dog!
Bite on their bottoms and chase them through the streets until they cry.

Til they cry, oh watch them cry!

I shouted
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (got to keep on defending it)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (leave my big ol’ back yard)
Leave my big ol’ back yard (you better climb up higher now)

Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Make your house all safe at night!
Stand against the vandals, hound dog!
Scare them off with horrid fright!

Stop all those trespassers, hound dog!
Make them jump to unknown heights!
Stop all those trespassers, hounnnn-dawg.
Make them jump in fright ...